At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
