I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize