i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
