It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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