when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
