You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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