I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
