Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
BRING THE BAGELS
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
