Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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