So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
