You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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