Swine flu. Run for my life!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize