I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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