He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I faked an abortion last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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