And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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