Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
