K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
