You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
