I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
