I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
