He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
