I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
