we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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