i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
