Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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