It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize