I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
