Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
