this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
