When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
