just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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