i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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