Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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