i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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