Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
