Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
