The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
