i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Randomize
