This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
wow bdsm is so cute
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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