quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
