I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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