I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
