So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
