Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the day after is always just damage control
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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