i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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