Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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