I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
