Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
