So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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