Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
